Sunday, March 07, 2010

Forgive and Forget

Today, one of my friends' facebook status said that she can't forgive AND forget, that she will pick one. While she is known for her witty updates, I found this one to have a fundamental truth underneath its humorous surface. I was going to leave a comment on her profile. Sure, you can't actually forget because amnesia never helped any of us learn lessons from life; the answer was very simple to me. Then I thought some more and realized that what I had to say would probably not fit in that little box.

I've always thought about forgiving and forgetting in very simple terms; a very simple mathematical equation, an implacable logic. Someone tries to harm you. You decide to forgive them because human relationships are indispensable anyway, but you remember. If you forget (which never actually happens unless you black out), you won't be prepared when the same thing is about to happen again.
I was always a forgiver, but not a forgetter; it was only a matter of choice.

But something happened that made me wonder... When dealing with hurt feelings, how much of a choice do you really have?

The dictionary says that forgiving is to "stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake)." I used to believe that forgiving was a conscious act made by a person, when actually, the three magic words only mean that you are willing to see beyond the offense. But how do you consciously stop feeling angry or resentful?

If only time can heal, then wouldn't it be wise to say that only time can (make you) forgive?

Someone who had harmed me in the past did something today that seemed quite inoffensive at first but revived the harm which had been done in the past. This can only mean two things:  either my forgiveness is temporary, or my body had forgotten the hurt for a while, leading to a fake, reluctant forgiveness. And it was quick to remember!
If we never truly forget, is it possible to fully forgive? Can we actually go further than deciding we are willing to go beyond the hurt?

What is interesting it that both forgetting (or rather not remembering as vividly) and forgiving seem to be processes over which we have very little control. We can't consciously do either of them (without therapy, that is). Surely what matters most is the choice we make to move on, with or without that person.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Waking up

The sun is out, finally. Gently warming up my body, and fiercely attacking the thick coat of snow that has been piling up in the last few months. The snow is doing its best to resist but has already lost quite a few battles. Soon enough, it will be gone, revealing a numb scenery, one that has been sleeping, patiently waiting to bloom. Slowly but surely, nature is waking up. 
Is there any reason why I shouldn't? I have been hibernating, taking in a lot of things, but not creating any. When did I last drop a few lines here?

I have been active, though. As a matter of fact I have been swamped with work. This last semester at KSU has not been as calm as I had anticipated. Lots of reading, lots of thinking, and lots of writing.  Then there was also this Mariah Carey concert in Columbus for my birthday (which I can thank my soon-to-be ex-wife for!!), that Ladysmith Black Mambazo concert in Akron with Tiffy, and a few social outings with friends from Ohio. No, really, I haven't been sleeping that much.. But I have been hibernating.

So really, it's time for me to wake up and .... update!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Insomnia

I cannot see you when I speak
or hear you when my eyes are open

Is it something I always sensed?

Your dolls close their eyes as you put them sleep,
Sinking into automatic darkness
But it's the blindness of my eyes that makes me see,
Forcing a sudden awareness

My heart starts to open
My soul starts to bleed

They both long for your wise innocence

If I listen close enough, I can hear it.
The empty melody of my own words
- are they yours? -
tries to shine a light.
But I fail to fully comprehend. And I fall.
I'm lost.
Nothing can change this
I'm lost and I'm crying
I'm lost and you're nothing
Yes, nothing can change this

I only see you when I'm half asleep
or feel you when my heart is broken

Though I never asked for this,
Here you come again
And again
And again

A neurosis, feeding on itself

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Reading, Feeling


The more I read, the more I'm touched by words, or so it seems. I'm not sure whether this kind of empathy develops with practice or with age, but I can't feel detached anymore. More and more, I find myself genuinely feeling and hearing the voices others put on paper.
I cried my eyes out with E. Lynn Harris, got so enraged I was ready for war with Achebe, felt a sweet melancholy with Sagan, and now Uwem Akpan. "Say you're one of them" literally broke my heart. All throughout the book I felt restless, helpless, and extremely emotional. When I read the last page last night I simply could not take it anymore. I tried to read those emotions away with an old Sagan but it  was all in vain. I could still see their faces, taste their blood, and feel their pain. Their voices still resounding deep inside of me.
I guess I have to be careful what I read now...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Soldier of Love

After 10 years of waiting, a dream is finally coming true. Sade's new album is scheduled to drop on February 8th. 

It's hard to describe what Sade's music mean to me.

She's always been one of my mom's all time favorite singers, and so she'd play her tapes on my dad's old boombox for hours on end. It didn't matter whether she was cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, or simply trying to take nap, Sade was there, singing ... being a part of the family.
It's not difficult describing the music you grow up with, but it is extremely difficult finding words to express the feelings behind the music you grow up on; the one that shapes you in your early years, the one that speaks to you throughout your entire life, the one that is there whenever you go - and grow - through something that affects you deeply.
There is a sort of unbreakable bond between you and that music. After becoming such a part of you, it's almost as if the music is an extension of yourself.
The music is you.

That's what Sade's music means to me.

----- UPDATED. Soldier of Love Video

Thursday, November 26, 2009

America's Best Christian



In addition to being America's best christian - because, let's face it, she is "more conservative than Jesus" - Betty Bowers' sense of humor and parody is priceless.
Everyone should check out her messages on her website, including this video, in which she explains what constitutes a biblical marriage.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Pay It Forward

Sometimes working hard feels like doing coke. The more work they give you, the more energized you feel. Spending less (or no) time in bed, eating less, and drinking more coffee rarely has the effect you would expect on your body... and the withdrawal leaves you completely disoriented. A holiday? What is that?
Good thing that being high on work is a habit that is quite easy to break.
Now that I can take a few moments away from teaching, grading, translating, or localizing, I can finally update this blog, which is slightly overdue.

Last week, I received a package from Botswana, which I had been expecting but had actually completely forgotten about. In that package were gifts from Lauri Kubuitsile, a Motswana writer whose blog I read daily. This is all part of "Pay it Forward". I am not sure who started this , and how many people it has reached so far, but here is the principle:
Each person who receives a gift sends gifts to three other people. It's not about owing something to someone, but a nice way of passing on your generosity. So now that I received those gifts from Lauri, it is my turn to "Pay it Forward."

If you are interested in being one of the people I will send gifts to, let me know (by leaving a comment here, a message on facebook, or by shooting me an email).
But keep in mind that I have the budget of a grad student. :-)

Friday, November 06, 2009

Roots

You say you've started seeing somebody, that you are quite happy with the way your relationship is shaping. You tell me about all the cute things you want to do for him, and I listen.
That's wonderful, I say.
I know I should be happy for you. I think I am, actually. At least a part of me is, but...
I've gotten used to our intimacy. I like you.
We're not a couple and we're not just friends. But I was happy with our gray area. Does it always have to be black or white, friends or lovers?
I don't know if I can entrust my happiness and well-being to one person. It seems that instead I've chosen to lay my foundation somewhere else. So that I can be more stable, so that I can stand, I have been slowly growing my roots into different shades of gray.
Your heart.
Their hearts.
Mine needs it.
Today you've sent us back to the o so proper dichotomy.
You sever our link using the sharp end of your words, and suddenly my heart loses its balance.
I know I won't fall,
But it hurts.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Surprise !!!

Just when I thought nothing could distract me from working on my midterms, I got an interesting notification on my facebook page.
Nice! I wasn't able to make it to her last concert! I sure won't miss that one... I hope facebook will also let me know about upcoming gigs from Marvin Gaye and Jeff Buckely... I haven't seen them in a while either

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Epiphany

All good things must come to an end,
so I'm on the train, on my way back to Port Authority
My iPod is playing. The song is sad and intense, but I'm happy : I'm moving
Epiphany: you and I can never be. I know it now
It's not as bad as I thought it would be

I can feel it in my bones ;
something is going to happen.
Something is going to hurt. But I'm looking forward to it
I'm looking forward to the heartbreak, the insecurity and the crying
Just cut me now so I can bleed.
I want to feel that I'm still alive. I want to see it

Something is going to happen. Something is going to hurt
But I have this warm feeling
I'm happy

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