Today, one of my friends' facebook status said that she can't forgive AND forget, that she will pick one. While she is known for her witty updates, I found this one to have a fundamental truth underneath its humorous surface. I was going to leave a comment on her profile. Sure, you can't actually forget because amnesia never helped any of us learn lessons from life; the answer was very simple to me. Then I thought some more and realized that what I had to say would probably not fit in that little box.
I've always thought about forgiving and forgetting in very simple terms; a very simple mathematical equation, an implacable logic. Someone tries to harm you. You decide to forgive them because human relationships are indispensable anyway, but you remember. If you forget (which never actually happens unless you black out), you won't be prepared when the same thing is about to happen again.
I was always a forgiver, but not a forgetter; it was only a matter of choice.
But something happened that made me wonder... When dealing with hurt feelings, how much of a choice do you really have?
The dictionary says that forgiving is to "stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake)." I used to believe that forgiving was a conscious act made by a person, when actually, the three magic words only mean that you are willing to see beyond the offense. But how do you consciously stop feeling angry or resentful?
If only time can heal, then wouldn't it be wise to say that only time can (make you) forgive?
Someone who had harmed me in the past did something today that seemed quite inoffensive at first but revived the harm which had been done in the past. This can only mean two things: either my forgiveness is temporary, or my body had forgotten the hurt for a while, leading to a fake, reluctant forgiveness. And it was quick to remember!
If we never truly forget, is it possible to fully forgive? Can we actually go further than deciding we are willing to go beyond the hurt?
What is interesting it that both forgetting (or rather not remembering as vividly) and forgiving seem to be processes over which we have very little control. We can't consciously do either of them (without therapy, that is). Surely what matters most is the choice we make to move on, with or without that person.
I've always thought about forgiving and forgetting in very simple terms; a very simple mathematical equation, an implacable logic. Someone tries to harm you. You decide to forgive them because human relationships are indispensable anyway, but you remember. If you forget (which never actually happens unless you black out), you won't be prepared when the same thing is about to happen again.
I was always a forgiver, but not a forgetter; it was only a matter of choice.
But something happened that made me wonder... When dealing with hurt feelings, how much of a choice do you really have?
The dictionary says that forgiving is to "stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake)." I used to believe that forgiving was a conscious act made by a person, when actually, the three magic words only mean that you are willing to see beyond the offense. But how do you consciously stop feeling angry or resentful?
If only time can heal, then wouldn't it be wise to say that only time can (make you) forgive?
Someone who had harmed me in the past did something today that seemed quite inoffensive at first but revived the harm which had been done in the past. This can only mean two things: either my forgiveness is temporary, or my body had forgotten the hurt for a while, leading to a fake, reluctant forgiveness. And it was quick to remember!
If we never truly forget, is it possible to fully forgive? Can we actually go further than deciding we are willing to go beyond the hurt?
What is interesting it that both forgetting (or rather not remembering as vividly) and forgiving seem to be processes over which we have very little control. We can't consciously do either of them (without therapy, that is). Surely what matters most is the choice we make to move on, with or without that person.
